I am always the one who has it my emotions under control.Lately I have been having a really hard time with expressing things in a positive way. I've been really negative lately, and I don't know why. I know that along time ago I was depressed, and i think it comes and it goes. I probably should be on some type of antidepressant, but my belief in those things leaves me with little options. I am grumpy, irritable, and I always feel like my boyfriend will leave me at any time at any moment. I feel like I fail at life. It's something I cant shake, my trust issues flare up like out of nowwhere, and Jordan and I are at square one with me learning to trust him, letting him nearer and nearer to my heart. It's hard for me to let someone get as close as what he is, and I guess maybe I am feeling a sort of vulnerability I've never felt before. When I feel vulnerable I get really upset easily, my feelings get hurt, and I get overwhelmed. I feel like I can't breathe.

i know Jordan feels like something is wrong with me, but it's not him, it's never him. I just feel like I am giving a part of myself to someone, fully, and it's a scary scary thing for me. I wish I didn't get so defensive, or take things so personally. And I was never one to need reassurance. I need to know that he still loves me. I worry that my emotional dependents on him will annoy him, he says not. I guess time will only tell.

I hate my job. That being said I've been here for over a year a now and it's really frustrating since the economy is so bad, it's really hard to find something that pays as well as what I make. Granted I don't make exactly what I am worth, but I do get by.

My manager, whom I have always respected has changed alot in the past couple of months, they made alot of changes within the company, and now she is in uber bitch mode. The past month or so I'll admit I haven't been the best employee but after what happened with another girl that works there I've kinda lost faith in my job and the company. So here is the story:

Around Jan of this year they announced that certain claire's and Icing stores would be closing by the end of the month. 3 weeks they gave them, The closest store we had in our district that was closing was The Icing in Ronoake. That being said that manager at that store, and the asst, were the only 2 employees on the east coast who were offered a postion somewhere else within the company. The store manager got moved to Lynchburg, and the asst. Came to our store. now keep in mind that instead of demoting her ( we are a lower volume store, and do not have enough pay roll to accommodate two assts.) They not only kept her as an asst, but she wouldn't agree to go to a different store unless they paid her more on the hour, and whole dollar more. So she comes to our store, and she is my asst. Which hey I wouldn't complain about that, however this chick is fucking worthless. I mean I'm not always the best employee but damn it, this chick didn't do anything.She called in sick all the time, it was horrible. so Krystal( my manager) and I decide that cutting her hours down would be the best punishment, so we did. She quit. but in the process of all this we lost a realyl good employee, Jessica, our 3rd key. So now it's just me and Krystal, and I am forced to be at the store, 24/7.

Krystal lives and breathes claire's I do not, I have a life, I have responiblities, and not to mention I live almost an hour away, and she never takes into account that. like when I close and then have to open the next day. it's brutal. Cause I don't get home until late. Now Krystal is getting worse and worse, she is ALWAYS at the store, she is there all week long, no breaks almost. It's awful, all she does is bitch and moan about the store, and how everything isn't recovered right. Keep in mind I have done a lot for my manager. I have been there at a moments notice, even though I live 45 mins away, I have skipped showers, and just came into work. For instance when we have a regional visit and she gets overwhelmed she would cry and cry and nothing would get done, and I would have to come in and fix it. Her scheduling skills are awful, I dont know what I work until monday of that week. If i'm lucky I'll know sunday. I have stayed late, opened earlier. Worked off the clock. worked 4 months stright with literally a week off total and not bitched a single bit.I do almost everything she asks me to do, at the expense of my family getting bitched at because I have to change my schedule to accommodate her. She has left messes in the store that has taken me hours to clean up, she has locked her keys inside her locker and I close that night, therefore locking her store key inside the store. She calls me, to come drive 45 mins to Open the gate, but not work until I am scheduled, and I told her if I came in that I would work a shift, because I am not coming in just to open the gate,go home and come back, I don't ahve the gas money for it, and I don't make enough in this shift to do that. She has no other option. For over a year I'm really all she has had. Whenever I have done something wrong she doesn't correct me when it happens she waits sometimes over a week to complain about it, not correct.

This is what happens today, here is some back stories first. Ok so saturday before last I was closing, I had Erin who is a our associate training to be a 3rd key, and Tess who is a new 3rd key, she is completely new. Erin who has been with us since August as an associate is a pro at cleaning and recovering. So I set her and Tess to cleaning. Well Erin shows her pretty much what to do and she starts to vaccum, I bring Tess over just to show her a few things on the register at closing, nothing to technical but just to her toes in the water. Well I am doing all the paperwork and our register is 20 dollars short. THats a big shortage. So I am trying to figure out where the loss is coming from. I call Krystal let her know whats up, call Eleina our DM leave her a message, Iam still looking for the shortage. I am getting distracted because Tess and Erin are still talking and in the store, so I have them both clock out and leave. I stayed until 9:45 looking for the shortage, couldn't find it, So I gave up, shortened the deposit made the registers even. I had a touch of the flu, and I really didn't feel the best so I just kinda looked around the store everything looked ok to me. So I left. Well apparently on Sunday morning when Krystal opened She was in hysterics because the store wasn't recovered properly, I was told she took pictures, however she didnt' once, not once come and talk to me about it. Erin told me. So I didn't mention it either, but she knew that when something happens money related I always way my options. I thought the register was more important. And I didn't notice the things that were out of place. I honestly didn't. Face forward to this past friday, I was closing Erin was suppose to close down the registers that night, she has to learn and get faster at it. Well we had shop lifters that night, and they caught them over at JC penny, and I had to spend the last part of the night there, so I got Erin set up to close everything down, and then left. Well when I came back right at 9, there were still customers in my store. so I started picking up everything, recovering, Etc. Erin decided that she wanted to buy some sunglasses from our store after everyone left, and I told her don't close anything down yet then, so she ran to get her debit card and I I was ringing her up, and she found out she had lost her debit card. I told her not to worry about closing the registers just to vaccum really quick and she could leave. Apparently I was suppose to MAKE her close that night.

So we come to today, We are getting ready for our new Regional visit on Thursday and we were cleaning up the backroom, getting all the shipment out. I did 22 full bins of shipment got it all out before our district manager came in to see how things were going. but Krystal had all day today, almost until 2pm to talk to me about anything that was bothering her. She doesn't. When the DM came in she was asking Krystal about signs, we are messing about 15 signs in total, I don't think we every got them in, but we are searching, and Krystal who stresses out easy gets all bent out of shape. Finally they clear the back room, and then I got back to pee. When I come out Krystal is in the back room crying, and I was like whats wrong, and bham I am blamed for pretty much all her frustration. She finally mentioned the saturday before last and friday night when ERin was suppose to close. She waited until our DM was there to make me look awful in front of Eleina, I didn't let her have it. I should've feed her to the wolves, but instead I just told her that I would be leaving soon and she wouldn't have to deal with it. that I had been looking for a job. I wasn't going to be her sole blame on everything, and that I held her up when I was the best she has. And the best she has is about to walk out the door.

So I am done venting about this for now. Son of a fucking bitch

Those of my friends who are closest to me know that I lost my virginity in a not so great way. In a round about way, I was raped, but I wouldn't really go that far. I was young, I didn't realize I had a choice, but we all do. I could've stand no, but I had never been that intimate with a guy before. but I won't get to far into it, it's really to painful to talk about.

That hardest thing I've ever had to do, is face the guy who did it me over and over again. At one point my little brother was engaged to his little sister, and I had to be nice to him, and see him at family social events. I had to keep a straight face. Of course my little brother didn't end up marry her, which is probably a good thing, so I don't have to see him as much, but I work in a public place now. And anyone at any moment can come into my store. and he does, on a regular basis, and I know it's just to torment me. I hate this guy. I hate him more then anyone I could ever hate, and I am more courtesy to him then I should ever have to be. The reason, because I know, one day, It might not be today, or tomorrow or even 10 years from now, he'll pay for everything he has ever done. but I won't be the one to bring it on him, the worse thing I could ever do at this point is act like he bothers me. I know this, but it still doesn't change how my heart drops and my panic raises in my chest when I see him. OR how dirty I feel, and how deep down I want to claw his eyes out, and I want to cry, and cry. I am stuck with those memories until the day I die, and the one thing that makes it all better is knowing that I will never ever let anything like that happen to me again.

There have been many times were I thought about deleting this old journal, especially since now myspace allows you to hide your blogs and such, but the other day I was going through old journal entries and I got a little nostilgic. My life for the past 5 years has been in these web pages, and I guess even though I don't write in here as often as I would like to, It's hard for me to let it go. There is more privacy here, and it feels safer to me. It's probably not, but it's like a teddy bear or a blanket, you know it's there. It makes you feel good to get it out, and hey if your like me, it lets you reflect on your ability to surprize yourself.

If I learnt anything from reading these journals entires its that anyone, and I mean anyone is capable of anything, whether it be good or bad. and as I was reading I noticed all the things I did to people, and what people had done to me. I suppose I could feel wounded or a victim in most of these situations, but then I read on, and I see where I was the villian. And it's like the tables turn, and you don't realize what you do, until you look back. With what I know now, and what I knew then, sometimes you just can't help hurting the ones you love. But it's never to late to make it right. If a friend could look over the journal entires you can almost find the precise moment when I lost who I was. I won't give it away, but you'd know. And you'd also know the vain attempts I tried to find myself again. The realization I had reading this is that she wasn't coming back. The headstrong, independant, and bright girl, is gone, but what replaced her well is a woman. A wise and heartful woman. And I used to be sad to watch this girl grow up, but it's a fact of life. But when I read on, I notice how much stronger, she was then she was a year ago, or 3 years ago. and what she had learned along the way. I used to say I would take back every bad or wrong thing I had ever done, but would I be who I am today, if I did? I don't know, and for the first time in my life I don't care anymore. Because at this moment, this day, I am proud of who, and what I am. Sure I live at my parents house, but it's because my parents need me here, to help them with bills, and my dad's health. My little brother is a new dad, and he needs help, my nephew is living with us again, and my parents are older, and they need someone around who help with him. I can give back all the things I took, and I'm happy about it. Nothing made me more happy then me knowing that I can help my parents and my loved ones. If they need money, I have it, I can give it to them, if they need a ride somewhere, I'm there. If they need me to make dinner, I'm on it. And I don't care whats happened in my past because right now, my future is looking better and better everyday. And though I'm single, I don't need a man in my life to make me fill fulfilled anymore, because believe me I have my hands full with what I have to work with now, juggling a job and a house full of kids, and a sick papa can be pretty hectic.
I can focus on me now, and what I want in the future, and I'll keep these journal entires, and I look back on them, and I look back onto this one, but what I won't do is regret anything else in my life, because It's to short and it doesn't change anything, and even if it could, I wouldn't want too.

I typically don't do this. Mainly because I just only let myself down for dissapointment. But I've reached a point my life where I am a little more organized. So I assume it's okay to make goals.

first one- Pay off my debts. At least getting started on it.
2nd-work on music more.
3rd-paint more and more every week
4th- lose at least 15lbs.
5th- Do yoga at least every other day.
6th-cut back on soda in a big way.
7th-not dye my hair every month
8th-dress more and more work appropriate. It's hard for me to do this one, since I swore to myself I wouldn't let the man get me down. But I am a boss of sorts, so I do have to have a sense of professionalism.
9th- start swimming as much as possible.
10th-join a gym
and last but certainly the most important. Go back to school. IT's my main objective. I would like to go to Virginia Tech, but money is a big tada. So I may have to go back to concord. BOO!!!

So I couldn't sleep. And I guess I was doing alot of thinking about the past, present and the future, but more the past.
I was looking at random people's myspace, people that I haven't seen or talked to in probably over a year, and some people I don't ever want to talk to again. I reall didn't know who I was back then, and I really think I lost a vital part of my life.
I'm talking about when I lived in Athens. There are some people that I met that I will carry with me the rest of my life, and that I cherished, and it was so worth meeting them. But then there are others who I guess I wished I could block the memory of them. I got used alot, and I guess I want my life back that I lost.
Mikey is sitting at my feet, and as I look at him I think back to all the obsticles me and this massive fur ball have over come. I am not the same person I Was 2 years ago. I have come such a long way from that scared frighten person. I am worried that I will lose myself again, that I will succomb to someone else's whims, like I have so many other times. I am scared I will be used over and over again, forever.
but what gets me through the days now, is knowing that no matter what happens I'll be okay. That if I get my heart broken, or if a friend lets me down, I know that I will be okay. That life will go on. And sometimes I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. THat it somehow makes me care less about people. I have been so careful about who I open up too, and who I met now. It's so different now, it's like I know what damage can be done, and I just don't let anyone in. That includes my current boyfriend, whom I've been with 5 months now. I find myself not wanting to open up as I once have done, and it's so hard to trust. I am so afraid of being let down. I was so many times in the past, and one right after another tragic relationship just crashed and burned. Not just sexual, but platonic ones as well. THey all just crashed and burned.
I have been listening to Pearl Jam's song Black for almost and hour stright, on repeat. And its so fitting to my mood. It's probably one of the saddest songs of all time. My favorite part is this " I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, you'll be the sun in somebody else's Sky.." And it seems that everyone that I knew then has a beautiful life now, and I guess a part of me, wants to know what that feels like. But I think I do have a beautiful life now. I have my loving parents, who now I see have always wanted the very best for me, and my lil bro who has probably the cutest baby girl on the planet, and I do have a boyfriend, who if he could give me the starz. My lil nephew who is almost as big as me now gives me hugs and a kiss on the cheek everyday, and my older brother doesn't look at me with his nose turned up anymore. I had this beautiful life before I moved out 3 years ago, and now I have 2 work everday to make sure I get it back. It'll never be the same, but every couple of days when I come home, I get a taste of what it used to feel like. I just want my life back, and I wish I could go back to being who I was before all this happened. I was a good person once, and I'd give anything to find her again.

My grandparents have been married for 36 years. Thats longer then I've been alive. As of last weekend that union was cut when my grandpa at the age of 64 died. The past week we have been at my mamaw's side trying to help her, and get her through this difficult time.
You know thinking that I was older, I thought I could be able to handle his death alot easier, and to some degree I guess I was right. But the truth is, the honest truth, was I was just as scared as I was when my granny died when I was 10. It reminds me of my own morality, and now that I am older, I realize that life is indeed short.
I loved my papaw, and now that he is gone, it seems all to quite in our world.
There are so many little things that you don't really realize that a person brings to you, like the way papaw would laugh, so loudly and with his whole heart, and his obessive shopping sprees for random furniture, and nik naks, just on the off chance that we, The grandkids, might need it. And there are years before i was even born that he was there for the generations way before me, and my cousins. Like my mom, my aunts and my uncles, and first grandkids to come along, like my cousin Dayton and my brother Shawn. Only for Chris and Benji & Danny, and Phillip to follow. Then Conney, then Sara, then me, then Cora then Mary Anne, Followed by the last of the grand kids but certainly not the least, to My little brother William, Tisha and Andrew. Now that we are all adults now, papaw was there for the greatgrand kids, which are far to much for me to mention here. But he was there for all of us, everyone of us. And how strange it feels when that one beam of support is taken away.
But through all of this, and through seeing everyone come together, that though I may not be a family person, I do love them, all of them, and I miss them when they are not around. And I am lucky, we are all lucky to have the support and the protection of eachother. WE may fight, and we may not understand eachother, but that man loved all of us reguardless of what we did, or who we became, and believed that we were great and good people. And he believed that if we were lost, he knew we would find our way to eachother and be found. He knew we would be there no matter what for one another.
We are a big family. And when one is weak or shattered, we are there to pick them up, not one of us but all of us. And that is how is has always been.

Okay so, things have been hella crazy right now, and my computer, thanks to a my little brother is on the fritz because he had to have limewire, and now it has a virus. So I am at the public libary you know just killing time, and actually enjoying this beautiful day.
I really haven't spoken or messaged anybody lately mainly because I've just been so busy, but things have definetly progressed for me. I am learning to manage my money better, and starting at the end of April I will be filling bankruptcy to eventually clean up my credit. Starting over is really my only other option at this point.

My health is still up and down. I am still having major joint pain, but finally after painstaking research, they think, ( not 100% sure, but 95%) that I have spongey kidney diease. Basically my body doesn't filter out extra nutrients, in my case Calcium. Somehow my body produces to much, or I consume to much, and it just sits in my body causeing all kinds of knots and it's collecting around my joints. Good news it, Its totally treatable. And I have to excersise or gets worse, which means I have to start working on and excersise plan. If I don't move the joints it caused more of them to gather, but if I move them around and such it knocks them out. but right now I have so many spures that I have to kinda push through the pain. Which means lots of ice packs and I will be sore for like weeks upon weeks, until I work them out. Eventually over time, they will go away, I just can't get lazy.

I got a new job, and I start monday, I am the new asst Manager at Claire's in Cburg, so you all have to come visit. I get a killer benefit package, and I am totally stocked about working for my manager, he is a really sweet guy, and he's really fun.

I am still looking for a part-time job to earn a couple extra bucks, gas is so fucking expiensive and I have to have 1300 to file bankruptcy, gotta save.

I have been seeing someone as of late, and we decided to make it more offical the 1st of this month. We've been seeing eachother since mid feb. but I kinda went the slow route, and asked to keep ot causal since I had just gotten out of a relationship. I notice in the past I kinda rush into things and I get tunnel vision, and it kinda interupts my life, and I don't concentrate, and thats 100% my fault. but he is super nice, and just a completely gentleman. He is slightly younger then me, but I have accepted that I am a cradle robber. haha. he's 4 years younger, but more mature then I am. Trust me on this one. haha. He is busy with school, and I am busy with work alot of the time, so we have a our space, and we AREN'T jumping into getting any apartments/houses anytime soon. Since I work in cburg alot, and he lives close, I stay there some. but I still come home, and enjoy time with folks as much, and as often as I can. And he doesn't distract me from my common goal. There is more then lust going on with this one. We communicate, and we express excatly how we feel. There is 100% no bullshit, between us, and we are on the EXCATE same page on where our relationship is, and where we want it to go. We take the smallest baby steps you can possibly imagine.

Mikey is still the fatest most adorable cat in the world, and he has a physical coming up soon. I think tonight we are going to have a mommy and mikey night full of fun pictures and he gets a toy. hehe.
Mina is still totally hyper, and still the cutest Jack Russell on the planet. Since it's warm outside I'll be able to get outside more and play with her, which is what she realy needs.

So I am back in WV. For now anyway. I am still working Roanoke which sucks, but I have some jobs floating around hopeing to hear from them soon. I am actually ok with being back home. To be honest I am never really here, just rotating between staying with friends.
Ryan and I are over. and I don't forsee a possiblity of getting back together. IT's really true, you don't know someone until you live with them. I think Ryan is a great person, but he just isn't for me, and I will miss him. but loving someone isn't enough when you are so different. It amazes me how someone who is so completely different them me actually clicked with me, and I actually had a functioning relationship with him. And truth is and this goes with out saying, I have loved everyone I have dated, truly, but I have only be IN love with one person and that was my ex. My very first boyfriend. It was the most intense feeling I've ever felt, and I think all the guys I've dated up to this point have only given me a taste of what that used to feel like. It's astounding how one person can affect your life so much, and you don't realize how much you cared about them till you move on to someone else. For a long time I thought I made a mistake in leaving him because I could not find the inner peace that I felt when I was first with him. When he changed into the horrible monster that I know him to be I still hung on to the belief he would return to normal. but there was no normal there is only the reality that knowing the man you love is a cheater, a lier, and terrible boyfriend, and just all around asshole. Every guy I dated was like him in some way, I've dated a sex addict, a herion addict, a lier a cheater, and an asshole. haha. I've focused on all the wrong qulities in men, only been attracted to the ones that I saw in him, and now Iam left confussed. Wondering where I went wrong with my life?
It's true I have done everything wrong in my life because of a boy. So now it's time for me to focus on me, no more boys in the way, and if a boy comes along ( or came along hehe) then I will make time for him if I can, and only if I have MY LIFE allows it. I want to be treated like a woman not a girl anymore. And more importantly a person, I wanted to be treated like a person. And as more then one WOMAN will tell you, we want to be cherished and respected, and well loved for us.

Okay, so things are going great so far. My new job is the bank, and since I am the boss it's flippin awesome. It's a lot of responsibility and I was really nervous at first because I didn't know how well I would do at managing So far so good. It's a really relaxed enviroment at this mall, people kindof keep to themselves, basically, and it's a really highclass rich people mall, alot of major retail stores are there, so most people don't really talk to others, but thats okay with me, because apparently if you work in this mall, you make pretty good money, which to be honest I do. Ryan and I are currently on the look for new places, We have as of this up coming monday 31 days to be out of his apartment. we have less then that to find a place. boo. What sucks is we're both going to be working and trying to move at the same time. I have got to hire another person to work at the booth. but we are doing great. We've realized that it's because we're different then eachother is why we like eachother so much. WE have almost nothing in common, but we find a middle ground that we both land on. Sometimes you can be so different then a person it can be annoying, but with Ryan it's refreshing to both of us. and it helps to know that we are both incredibly nerdy. I've lost alot of weight since I came home in May, It's crazy. Everything is falling off me. I was so surprized when I came home before my surgery that I had gained almost 30 lbs this past year. After my surgery I lost 15 lbs in like 4 days, all uric acid fluid, and then I lost 15lbs over the past 2 months. I'm down to a slim 128 now, and I'm really happy with it I think. I've lost enough weight that I look better, but my cloths still fit, but a little baggy haha.

So I am a sick, gross panda. I've been sniffling and my throat hurts. It wouldn't be so bad if my joints and shit didn't hurt. blah.
So today was a good day. I got to spend it with my daddy. IT was awesome. I am a daddy's girl, but sense I've gotten older it's hard to just sit down and chill with your dad. but today we just ate lunch and I helped him install a fan at a really old house. He's a good daddy. lol.
Last night I had both of the children. Mina slept on one arm and mickey slept on the other. They love eachother its awesome.

So I totally didn't do shit at work today. I worked at the jewelry store which meant at least 6 hours of boredom, there is only so many times you can clean glass and strighten merchindise. So I started polishing up my beer pong skills by shooting paper balls into the trash can. lame I know. Sometimes a job, can make you feel worthless. Espeically since everyone around you is going in different directions. Justin and Michelle got married, Mark and Sara graduate in December, my dad retired over the summer. It just feels like everyone around me is growing up, but me. I guess my time will come, but it just feels like nothing I do is making a difference.

On a more positive note, Chris and I are doing really well, actually things couldn't be better. At first I thought things were going to head south considering that we always managed to get into a fight, usually over emily. but she's made herself scarce here recently. I think its do to the fact that everyone is a little upset with her. I don't hate Emily, but I really dislike her actions, it makes things very difficult for Chris and I. I know that he stays with her because he is comfortable, and used to her, but I think he is starting to realize that she isn't what she seems to be.

Right now Mark and a bunch of his pals are drinking the night away, and I am sitting here with Amy jo, probably the only constant person in my life. Funny how someone who could be so different then me could be the only person in the world who can keep me sane.  I wouldn't know what I would do with out her. She is the greatest person I know, and one of the few people who actually believe in me. 

I often wonder if I am enough for Chris sometimes, he's never given me a reason to think I'm not, but I am so insecure about my place in our relationship sometimes, I really think that I am less then what he deserves, I know it could be my past just haunting me...but I'm worried.

I know that I have often wondered what enevlope of happiness would come to me if I were actually a willing to partake into the riches of a happy relationship. I often find myself constantly worrying that their has to be a catch to anything that would seem to make me happy. I don't think I actually let myself enjoy the pleasures which are given to me. Even though I shouldn't question any form of happiness I suppose, but I do, and sometimes I think I ruin the good things by always focusing on all the bad.

Sometimes I don't think I allow myself enough time between relationships to really think things through in my life, however this time I do not think a break is needed unlike my past experiences. When an oppurtunity knocks I think I should answer no matter what is or should be going on in my life at the time. Which is what I did, and I don't really care who hates my decisions. Don't you hate it when you make an excecutive decision that it blows up in your face. Hey I'm sorry but I go with happy. And you didn't make me happy. I was in a constant of worry and I found myself wondering why I settle for less then what I should. Well no more. Someone whom I knew that I could care alot about came my way, and guess what I am happy beyond anything that you could possible acomplish, because there is no babydrama bullshit. Everything that we had together was enloped in this case of worry, doubt and a balancing act.  I will give you mad props at you astounding ability manipulate the truth. But being so honest, which is by no means saracastic because you were indeed so very honest with us, that it allowed you that one step to me like, ah yes, master plan is coming along nicely. And when you figured out that I wouldn't consider sleeping with your other girlfriend, you decided it was best to choose one. Now I know when you read this you  really hate me, which hey at this point, I could care less. Basically your attitude towards things really set things in a very immature prospective. You tell this story to your psychologist and he'll tell you that you are suffering from anal retardation for even assuming that two very intelligent girls would go along with your master plan. You may have convinced one, but good luck with 2. And really it wasn't anything speical on your part anyway, considering her feelings for you were so strong ( how I don't know) that she was willing to do whatever it took to acomdate you. She's such a sweet person, really you should count yourself lucky that she putts up with bullshit.. I want to give her a medal of honor.

Your complimenting emails though flattering at first begain to show a side of you that really astounds me, you know ho to guilt trip people into doing what you want, which hey I won't knock that talent completely. Because maybe I should take lessons from you so I can learn how to be  a perfect bastard. You know you were right about something, you were just another journal entry, but you made yourself that way.

You say that I need to "find myself", but I think you need to sit down look in the mirrror and think about yourself for a min. placing a blame on me for your shortcomings as a person must make you feel so warm a fuxxy inside.. Blaming me for your break-up was a classic act of self pity, and self loathing. Trying to make yourself look better eh? Well good luck. Have the female population if not more hates you anyway.

guess what I'm whole lots of happy, and the best part you aren't in it.

So I'm sitting here, irritated. I am just a piece of shit...thats all I will ever be to anyone. Just an object, nothing more. I can't handle all of these things that are swelling up in my mind.

Guys just look at me and all they see is something they want. They don't want my mind, that just want my body. THey don't want my heart. They either have girlfriends, or are stupid whores. I don't know how many times I hear the same story, I care about my girlfriend, but she is so FAR away, and things just aren't going right. And then I hear the speech that you and I can hang out, but she can't know about it.

I am so tired of this. I am not a fUCKING BOOTY CALL. I am not something to occupy your time till you decide that you still want to be with your stupid fucking girlfriend.

I am so tired of stupid little boys whose only concern is to jerk off, or put something in a warm moist hole. Heres a bottle of lotion and some tissues. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I am not a doormate, so go fuck yourself.

I think to myself that maybe thats all I am, and all I ever will be, that I'll always end up alone, and used. That no one will love me. That all I am is what they see me as, a piece of ass. I try to be strong, but it gets so old trying to protect my honor as a person.

just die already....

I hate you

cheers

I hate fucking music posers


I am fed up with fake music posers. You guys know who I'm talking about, the person who goes to hottopic to buy band tees but has never actually even heard the band and couldn't even pick them out of a line up.

Heres the story, I was up at the college when I saw this goth kid walking around on campus, I was impressed by his shirt, which was an old The Cure shirt. Which I have always had a massive soft spot for them. Most people under the age of 18 haven't even heard of the cure much less, listened to the band, I was massively impressed right. When I went up to ask the guy where he got such a cool shirt, this was his reply. Oh I found it at a thift store ( another plus in my book) My yahoo id is ivegotthecure. It seemed to suit me so I bought it. I was dumbfounded, I asked the kid I was like do you know that there is a band called the cure, that was fucking amazing back in the day? He was like no, I've never heard of them. Which then I had to inform him that this cool rad shirt, was album art for a kick ass band. He wasn't impressed with my musical knowledge. He told me he didn't listen to anything like that, and his favorite album was a disturbed album.

I was hurt, why is it that this little punk finds a The Cure shirt, and I don't. Not fair. Besides the fact that this kid had no knowledge of ANYTHINg About the band. IT made my day rather sad.

So this event leads me to my rant for the summer, I hate fucking music posers. Rant begins: I'm tired of people exploiting the bad, misunderstood part of music. For instance, you know that kid who buys the Manson album only because it pissed off his parents. Not because it was amazing song writting. Or the guy who owns 50 cradle of filth shirts, and doesn't own one album. People exploit the shock value of music way to much these days. IT's time that we speak up and say, those spikes and chains kick major ass if you've got the knowledge and musical knowledge to back up what you are supporting.

In sum, don't buy that Maiden shirt and flaunt it unless you are a fan, you don't have to be their number one fan, but if you buy something you should at least know the history of something when you are questioned. Thats why we wear music attire. Because we support the message they present to us. You wouldn't wear an "I support abortion" shirt if you were against it now would ya? No, didn't think so.

SO KNOW YOUR MUSIC and the message you support.

cheers

So I've had yet again another sleepless night, I'm not excatly sure why I can't sleep anymore,but for the past week I haven't had a solid nights sleep. But oh well right.

I was thinking to myself yesterday while sitting in the blistering hot sun people say, that in order to write well, you have to write what you know. Which is true, and I guess my nonsensical criticing of others in my life really doesn't give me the liberity to do that. Since I don't know excatly what peopel are thinking, even though I have a pretty good assumption, doesn't always give me the the right to assume.

But this is what I do know, I am 20 years old, and 10 years out of that, I've begged for a moment of clarity, just one moment of complete and honest truth. From one person, from one thing in my life, one factor, which has no boundaries, and no lies. I think I've been seeking that truth in the guys that I date. Which I know now I'll never find that in a person. For with eachother person comes their own set of problems, their own set of lies.

And I think that is a fair assumption, because isn't it in our nature to lie, and disreguard others, and hold them in contempt? Don't we hold ourselves in that cage of contemption? Like the one mistake we made in our life, holds us back, and begins to shape us.  Don't we lie to cover up the pain of that one mistake? I do. When someone asks me if I am okay, I'm always like yeah I'm great, fucking peachy. In reality I'm not, I'm swimming with sharks, and trying to cover up the fact that my unhappiness sometimes makes me wonder if I am on the verge of a serious depression. But heres the funny thing, I always manage to smile somehow don't I, and for about a week, all the troubles seem to melt away behind a happy face. 

I don't cry anymore, and I barely laugh. I don't sleep, and I only eat to function. And I sit infront of a screen hoping that oneday I will find an answer, to why I can't just let it go. I'll read book after book, watch movie after movie. Question person after person, and still nothing, but the vast emptiness of lies.

Sometimes I feel like my family, friends, and my animals, hold the only truth in the this world, and even though they all come with their set of lies, and problems, they also come with truth, they love eachother. And I love them, and isn't that in reality the truth that we actually seek? But is it enough to remove a mistake?? Is it enough to forgive myself? Is is enough to find peace in one simple truth? Is it enough to all my smile to remain?

Cheers

So in expressing vast amounts of anger I usually say the word penis. Just thought I would express that.

So what could today's possible rant be...well As usually I will rant about my guy situation, but in due time. Firstly I would like to rant about this girl I work with.

She likes to tell me what to do, even though I've been doing this longer then she has. So I called her a dirty pirate hooker. she looked at me as if I were satan. Take that stupid whore.

Still ranting.....Friends, well certain type of friend. heres a question for those of you who actually read my crap. And you should reply if you have the answer. Heres the question, what kind of friend is this? Description: This friend, layed in my bed all day while her roommate (me) took care of her children. This friend played on the computer all day, and paid no attention to what her children were doing. This friend, didn't have a job, just played on the computer, talked on the phone, and begged for someone to help her. Her friend helped her get back on her feet. Gave her rent money. bought groceries and even fixed dinner for which she was the only who would eat it. Her friend gave her children spending money for school. Her friend bought her cigerattes. Her friend got really sick and had to move back home, because she didn't bother to care about her while she was collapsing on the couch. This friend met a guy, 20 years younger then herself, and decides that she has solved all her problems, and tossing her old roommate out like yesterday's trash. Her friend still calls her, checks on her children, and even remembered her birthday. What kind of friend is that?

Onward ranting- Guys, okay so I've decided that I can't pretend anymore that I am okay with the situation I am in. He's got to go, and I think that IT's because I honestly don't want to make time for him, this is very selfish, but I really want time for me, and this relationship, however lacking it might be, is still to demanding of my time. I don't have any desire to kiss him, or anything. This is seriously wrong. And despite my efforts to really want it to work, I just can't bring myself to give the full effort. It doesn't help that I met this wicked cool guy, and that him and I are hitting our friendship off like a charm. But he's got things in his life that occupy him, and thats the way I like it! Friendship is key here. I just want a great friendship that with some serious time will grow into a beautiful relationship, and I don't want any of this I love, do you love me crap? That time will come, but I am not about to sit here and lie to someone about how I really feel about them. I want to shot myself in the head everytime this guy tells me he loves me, because all I can say, is right back at ya, or thanks. Any suggestion about how I could break the ice??

Cheers

I'm evil. I've decided that not only am I heartless, I am also numb to what anyone does for me. This really sucks.

this guy is really sweet, he cares alot about me, but he is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! He won't stop touching me for anything. I hate it when people are overly affectionate, but I don't know how to tell him it's NOT COOL without hurtting his feelings. It's in his nature to be this way, just like it's in my mine to absoultly hate it.

It's driving me bananas.

Somebody tell me what to do???~?~?~!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?

As I walk across the scorching hot concrete to the vibrant blue water. I deep my feet in just to get a taste of temperature my whole body will experience. Unsure if I am willing to plunge my whole body into the crystal clear water. I back away from the water, then at full speed sprint I run, jumping head first in to the blue abyss.

The water has become murky from my splash, and I am underneath the cool, cold water. I'm swimming through the depths with great speed. My lungs are slowly losing air, but I know I can make it just another 10 feet before I come up for air. I keep swimming. struggling for Air when I reach the surface. Making it to the shallow end of the water. Only to realize I just cleared my head of everything, and everyone swimming in the vast open water. No cares, no worries. Plunging to the depths of nothing but you and the water to cleanse away the dirt and grime. The sins of the flesh.

When I am in a relationship, all I can think about is trying to make it 10 more feet, and holding my breathe. Plunging head first. Waiting for something to happen. But when the relationship becomes intense, obligatory. I can never catch my breath. I struggle. I'm drowning. I feel the water has no ends, and that I can't rise for sweet oxygen. All my senses are numb, and the thing I love the most is the end of me. Water, love, affection

Today I sat thinking of every relationship that I have been in. I have wasted time, energy. Only to make it to the shallow end. Leaving all those I cared about behind. I am not ready for a relationship, how immature I was to think I was. I'm not ready for anything serious. I hate having obligations to someone I shouldn't have anytoo. I hate it. I care about the person greatly, and adore them, lavish affection on them, but I perfer them to leave me be. I perfer them to be as cold as what I can be, cool as the crystal blue waters that I love so much. 

I can not think anymore....all the emotions that posses me...gone.

Cheers

I HATE children. H8! Every day that I work I have to deal with someone else's bratty ass kid. NOW the fun part is always this when you try to tell the child not to do something THEY DO IT ANYWAY. It is so difficult to WALK across solid concrete??!?!?!?!? Is it impossible not to play on the METAL RAILING of the steps??!?!?!?!? DOES IT TAKE AN ACT OF CONGRESS TO GET SOMEONE TO SPANK THAT KID!!!????? apparently it does... Because I have parents coming up to me telling me that their children don't react kindly to harsh tones. In turn proceeds me to lecture their parents that I am just trying to do my job, and that the rules are there for a reason. It is up to the parents to tell the child these rules when they enter the pool area. And it's my job to enforce it. If they do something they ARE NOT suppose to do, then the whistle gets blown and they are told to stop. Now is that bad??? my opinion no, but accourding to some parents, it's best to take them aside and tell them, not to call them out. Dude the kid was running, not wetting his pants. And if I see it, I call it out, end of discussion. It didn't help today that I was so grumpy that I kept telling people to shut up, I couldn't handle anything complex at all today.

NEXT TOPIC....I would like to take the time to tell the world that I truly and utterly suck. That my timing and my hard thinking have proven to me that I suck at this whole being a good person thing, and I should've just stuck to not giving a damn about peoples feelings. But in the end I'm not good at that either, lets be honest. It took alot of cold hearts to make mine the ice diamond it is today. I have no good qualites. *sigh*

FAT KIDS- Parents really need to watch what their children eat. Today I saw a girl who was probably 10 years younger then me or more, and her pant size double mine.

PA- why do people insist on making out in front of the WHOLE WORLD. can they not wait??? couples come into the pool area all the time, and I always wonder whose the couple thats going to make me want to puke. COME ON people save it for the tent.

Tim, I didn't get burnt today :) but I'm sure you mowed your lawn this weekend :)

RELATIONSHIP- fact- I don't know what I want. Myth- I want to be serious, if I find it. Me and relationship should never go in the same sentence. I suck at this game. Elise told me she should pick the guys I date, I'm tempted to let her, but not giving into her demands. I hope there is in old house in new england with my name on it, equipt with cats, cause I am going there to rock on porch.

cheers